How to Bounce Back from Mistakes at Work: One woman’s story.
When we make mistakes, honesty is the best recovery and antidote to shame.
My coworker approached me one morning, visibly upset. Her supervisor had told her that she wasn’t meeting expectations, and one of the examples provided to her was familiar to me because I was the one who had said it.
I expressed frustration from a recent meeting in a conversation with this supervisor. I perceived that this co-worker didn’t know how to do something I felt should have been common knowledge. We spent a large portion of the meeting explaining this task, and I grew impatient, knowing we had a heavy agenda.
I was venting because I was frustrated. And, I was not thinking clearly enough to recognize I should have been saying this to the coworker and not the supervisor. If I couldn’t say it to the coworker, then I shouldn’t say it at all. When my words echoed back to me through my coworker, I realized I had hurt someone and that was not my intention. As my child will tell me, that’s some spicy, hot tea you got there. They mean that I was in some serious drama. I had spilled the tea and I got burned.
Recovering when we have made a mistake
Ever find yourself in this situation? Do you say something in frustration, anger or hurt? It feels good to vent or release these feelings, but we should ask ourselves in that moment:
- Why does this frustrate me?
- Why is this upsetting me?
- Is this really important?
- What need am I trying to satisfy within myself by putting someone else down? (ouch)
When my coworker realized someone had told the supervisor this information, I was faced with a choice: 1. Put blame somewhere else and add stories to deflect from myself, or 2. Fess up and be honest.
This is a decision we all face in our lives. We said something behind someone’s back and now it has come back around. If we seek to grow and become an authentic person, we have to choose option 2, no matter how uncomfortable or scary it is.
Ideally, we would have avoided the entire situation and used other means to release frustration or stress, and in this situation, I realized that I needed to be honest.
So, I told the truth and I apologized. I didn’t provide excuses or try to include some blame on others. I owned what I said, and gave an apology. And this coworker understood and thanked me for being honest. And then we moved forward. I talked to the supervisor as well so that I was open and transparent to everyone. And then I made a commitment to myself to try to do better next time. What happened between the coworker and supervisor was not on me to fix or get involved with.
Yes, it’s uncomfortable, but it will get better
I will be honest, I still struggle with the discomfort, even after everything is resolved. I still have moments of shame and guilt and I must be kind to myself too. Whenever we make mistakes, shame is sitting right there ready to swallow us up and take over. It makes us shut down, pull away, and hide and then it tells us how awful of a person we are.
In this situation, when shame would start to knock at my door, I should be aware of its presence and then say “I am an imperfect human and I made a mistake. It doesn’t mean I am a bad person unworthy of love.” Positive self-talk works!
And if you need an extra reminder on how to work through feelings of shame, here’s one from shame researcher Brené Brown: “Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it — it can’t survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy.”
